A Question About Workplace Closure
“A co-worker made an offhand comment today that kind of hurt my feelings. Should I dredge this up again and give him the opportunity to apologize or just let it go? Right now, I can’t be around him and we need to work together. How do I find closure with him?”
Answer from Dr. Gary
I understand that offhand comments from co-workers can be painful as well as cause anger. We spend a lot of time at our jobs and a collegial environment helps everyone to be more productive. An offhand comment can also feel humiliating
You used the word “dredge” in your question. Are you being a little judgmental of yourself? Letting someone know they hurt and/or offended you is not dredging, it is affirming your own worth and desire to be treated as you treat others.
You know this person. Given your relationship, if you took them aside and told them what they said that hurt you and why you feel work, is this someone that you think could have a talk with you and hopefully take ownership, and even apologize for their behavior? If you aren’t sure, or suspect they may throw your concern back in your face, or deny they said this, or even laugh at you for being overly sensitive, can you be okay with that, satisfied that at least you spoke what was on your mind?
My point is that you have already been hurt by their behavior. Closure can deepen work relationships, but it can also cause you to feel more disempowered. Take a step back and consider the potential ways he may respond, given your knowledge of this person, and decide whether you can be comfortable with any of the possible responses, or if it would be best for your peace of mind, as well as positive work relationships, to decide to forgive him and to let this one go.
Having said that, if this was the first time your co-worker has made an offhand comment like this, that is all the more reason to give him the benefit of the doubt. If he constantly makes hurtful comments, then you might consider seeking closure with him directly or escalating this to your leader or HR and finding closure that way. No one should have to put up with abuse in the workplace.