James and Anna had what they thought was a pretty amazing relationship. So did their friends and family. They were both in their early thirties, settled in their careers and attractive, with many friends. They were smart, funny and kind, always ready to offer support to the people in their lives. Calling them a perfect couple didn’t seem like an overstatement. Until it was.
After about a year of dating, James and Anna moved in together. They found an amazing apartment, which they decorated to the nines. They took incredible vacations, they did community volunteer work, they invited their friends over for the gourmet meals they prepared together. Getting together seemed to also energize their careers. Both of them received promotions within a few months of each other. When Anna’s grandmother became ill and needed more care, James saved the day by accessing an eldercare program at his company and helped find her a good place to live.
What could possibly be wrong with this perfect picture?
After a couple of years of living together, Anna’s company, a start-up, finally reached critical mass and became successful. Anna had a leadership role in the company, so the demands on her increased exponentially, as did her work hours. This was Anna’s opportunity to make a big splash in her field, and she seized it. She left their apartment early each morning and returned very late at night. Once a week or so, she ended up catching a few hours of sleep on the couch in her office and continued working through the next day and evening. James was proud of Anna’s success, even as her title and salary eclipsed his own. He joked with friends that he and the shelter dog they had adopted were left to fend for themselves.
Anna’s long hours at work included lengthy meetings with the CEO of the company, Jonathan, who was about the same age as she and James. James had been introduced to him a few times at company events and, while James thought he seemed like an affable guy, he decided he didn’t trust the friendly relationship Anna and Jonathan had once her hours away from home increased. He observed Jonathan and Anna together at a party, and he didn’t appreciate the way Jonathan put his hand on Anna’s shoulder while they talked.
Looking back, James couldn’t identify what he called the “straw that finally broke the poor camel’s back.” But one long evening, as he sat alone at home watching TV, and ruminating about Anna’s long work hours and how he felt left behind, he decided to wait up for Anna to return home. He would confront her about her relationship with Jonathan. She arrived around midnight. James was primed. He told her he didn’t trust Jonathan and he didn’t like the long hours she was working. James gave her an ultimatum: leave the job or leave the relationship.
Anna was shocked that James would accuse her of not being trustworthy. She was hurt and angry that he would attempt to control her life and rob her of a great career opportunity. She told him how she felt. She also told him that she didn’t see how they could go on as a couple if he distrusted her so much. James angrily agreed that if she couldn’t see his side of things, then she needed to leave. And then she walked into their bedroom and packed a bag and moved into a hotel that night. A few days later, she came to the apartment with a few friends while James was at work and removed the rest of her belongings.
What’s happened since then? James has become even more angry. He misjudged how Anna would react. He thought that she would apologize for abandoning him. He assumed she would want to sit down and work out an agreement as to how they could continue to be together. And yes, he predicted that she valued their relationship more than her job and would quit the next day. At least that was how he imagined things would go in his mind.