I spend a lot of time talking with clients about closure. It’s only human to want to tie up the loose ends in our communication with another person, especially if we feel the communication was incomplete in some way. Here are some stories about individuals who concluded that they needed to seek closure.
Allie and her boyfriend recently broke up after being together for over two years. Things had been getting rocky between them for the last couple of months. She’s still not sure why. And the breakup itself happened suddenly, an argument that led to them both deciding to walk away from the relationship. Allie and her now-ex have texted a few times since that night, just checking on each other. She has asked him to get together and talk about what happened, but he refuses to. “I have to have some kind of closure,” she said to me. “Why won’t he give that to me?” I’ve had many similar conversations with clients who are ending a marriage.
Tommy was recently laid off from his job. He had been there for five years. He and his boss didn’t always see eye to eye, and his boss jumped on him more than once when he wasn’t happy with Tommy’s performance. But overall, Tommy thought, they were getting along fine. And then Tommy was called into HR and given his lay-off notice. His boss wasn’t in the office that day, so Tommy packed up his belongings and left. He has repeatedly emailed his boss and asked if they can talk about what happened, and his boss doesn’t respond. “He at least owes me some answers on what happened to my job. Can’t I get some closure?”
Amanda is living with a chronic condition and has been working with the same physician for years. When Amanda says she loves her doctor, she means it. They have been through some rough times together. Amanda has especially appreciated being able to open up to her doctor and tell her what’s on her mind. Last week, Amanda received a letter from her doctor’s practice informing her that her physician had left the practice and providing her with the name of the doctor her case had been transferred to. Amanda is devastated. “I’m embarrassed to admit this,” she said to me, “but I thought she would say goodbye and tell me how to stay in touch. It wouldn’t have made her leaving any less sad, but at least I would have had closure.”
Yes, one word is repeated in each of these examples. Closure. It is only human nature to want closure when a relationship, romantic or professional, is coming to an end. Humans want to know! Why? Why not? How? When? Along with, often, whether the situation can somehow be fixed. Is there still a chance?