Sure, you wanted closure. And your reasons for wanting closure seemed perfectly valid. That is, valid to you But the other person wasn’t willing to give you the closure you were hoping for, and maybe even refused to have a discussion with you about finding closure together.
Now what? Here are some ideas to help you cope:
Embrace gratitude.
For the time you spent with the other person – as a romantic partner, as a friend, as a boss, as a colleague, as a professional… however you were connected. Be grateful for the good times and how you were a benefit to each other. Also be grateful for any conflict or negativity that will no longer be part of your life, it that was part of your dynamic. Be grateful that you are a multi-faceted human being, resilient and resourceful. Remind yourself of this every day, multiple times a day if you need to. Stay grateful for all the good things in your life. Make a list if you need to. Review it often.
Choose to move on.
When I have a client stuck in their demands for closure, in a very kind way, I say something to the effect of, “Do you think you might be kind of having a temper tantrum right now?” A question, not a judgment. Clients don’t always want to hear these words but it does motivate them to take a look at what’s happening on their end. At the risk of repeating myself: We can’t change how another person chooses to think, feel, or behave. Trying to do otherwise only leads to frustration, sadness, and disappointment. In a perfect world, we would all give each other the closure we need. But the world sure isn’t perfect. So the ball is in your hands. Grab onto the ball and run with it. You have a choice. Choose to get over it. And then get over it. Life is too short to demand what we can’t have.
Learn to validate yourself!
Seeking closure can be a way of gaining validation. While having someone else validate us feels good, and is a necessary component of a relationship, we all need to learn to validate ourselves as well. You can validate yourself by taking the best possible care of your physical and emotional wellness. Building a solid support network. Taking time to do things you enjoy and that keep you grounded. Turning off the internal voice of self-criticism and replacing it with words of encouragement. And I just have to say: Not learning to validate yourself leaves you vulnerable to being needy. And I just have to ask: Is it possible that your desire for closure with another person might also be rooted in your own neediness? If so, you’re only human. But this is another reason to validate yourself.
Here’s the bottom line on closure.
Sometimes the only closure is to accept that there is no closure. Move on with your life. Eyes forward. Head held high. That’s empowerment!