I am going to give you a few examples of stories that my clients have brought to my office. Either to talk or vent about how, yet again, they were mistreated by a person they expected more from. Closure that was unsatisfying. Again. Or to seek guidance on how to find closure. And make all those awful feelings go away.
Here you go:
- Tony grew up with a distant, withholding, hypercritical father who attaches himself to women who are, you guessed it, distant, withholding, and hypercritical. He is lamenting how the latest woman he dated never appreciated him for who he was or connected with him on an emotional level. He asked me to explain why this always happens to him.
- Tanya grew up as a shy, studious girl who never was part of a social group and was, instead, often made fun of and even bullied. She always wanted to be accepted by the more popular girls. She tried to make friends with a group of women at work who everyone considers the up-and-coming power players in the company. She told me how they haven’t been exactly open to including her at lunch or happy hours, and have directed a few snarky comments toward her.
- Cheri’s mother wanted her to be better. And so she told her every day she had to be better. A B+ should have been an A. Why couldn’t you study harder? Cheri pushes herself to the limit in her work. She never feels she is good enough, or that anyone else is, much to the frustration of her co-workers. She asked me what she needed to do to get the recognition she deserved at her job. She is considering leaving her company out of frustration. Again.
- Don grew up in a community that valued hyper-masculinity. He was expected by his father and older brothers, as well as his classmates, to join them in hunting and to go out for sports. He enjoyed reading and the arts. He was repeatedly bullied, beaten up by classmates, berated by his brothers and their father. He constantly criticized himself for being weak and deserving of the abuse he received. Don recently lost another job for creating a toxic workplace, yelling at and berating and threatening the employees he manages. He doesn’t understand why strong leadership is being punished.
Each of these individuals has a story they are trying to complete. If I finally __________ (do, say, hear), then the past will finally be in the past. Those hard feelings will go away. The voices of criticism, the bullying, the rejection, the pain, guilt – whatever residual impact is persisting – will finally be quiet.
I will finally have closure. If only.
But this time…
Yes, that’s the hope. But this time…
These stories from our past are often rehearsed in our minds, over and over. We imagine what it will be like when we are with a withholding person who tells us how wonderful we are and how they can’t live without us and how much they want to be with us. Or people who just didn’t get how interesting or competent we are finally telling us how much they want us in their social circle or reward us with recognition and a promotion. Or the people who told us we were somehow wrong or not normal show us honor, respect, deference.