Stuck in a Love-Hate Job
In my work as a mental health professional, I often talk with my client about work. Some tell me how much they love their jobs. Others tell me how much they hate their jobs. Others tell me about being in a job they both love and hate and feeling stuck there. Here some brief examples:
Tom has worked in Lori’s small ad agency for five years. She tells him he is a top performer. He works long hours and is hoping for a promised bonus. Lori has postponed it again.
Megan works for a large company in the finance industry. She is bored with what she feels is a dead-end job. But she is well paid and has a great benefit package.
Guillermo loves his work in a tech startup and also enjoys the bragging rights of talking about what he does. But he also finds the culture to be toxic.
What do all three have in common? They hate and love their jobs for various reasons. And are suspended between the push and pull that causes them to remain in place.
Love. Hate. And Stuck. Why?
In the discussions I have with my clients regarding their feelings about their jobs, a range of factors have emerged that have a direct influence on how we feel about the places we work. Factors that lead to hating one’s job include bad managers, overwork, boredom, stress, lack of balance, difficult co-workers, office politics, lack of adequate compensation, lack of growth…
On the other hand, if at least some of these factors have checkmarks in the positive column, the result may provide enough justification to rationalize staying in place. But not enough to overcome the feeling of stuck-ness. The love word emerges often, love for co-workers, love the manager, maybe even love for the free gourmet lunches.
Why this internal conflict? For one, we humans have a fear of the unknown. The expression, “the devil you know” comes to mind. Emotional connection with one’s leader or co-workers, or other creature comfort benefits, may be just enough to prevent running for the exits. Fear of uncertainty is also expressed as denial in the form of optimism that things have to get better so let’s stick it out,
The risk of staying stuck in a love-hate job, without coming to some form of internal resolution or moving on, is sitting with a lot of uncomfortable feelings. Resentment. Anger. Inertia. Setting oneself up for failure.
Can’t I Get Some Closure?
As I talk with my clients about their love-hate relationships with their jobs, they often talk with my about wanting some kind of closure in the form of finally saying what they need to say, finally being fed up enough to walk, finally being treated the way they deserve. Finally.
Tom wants to tell Lori how hard he has worked and how unfairly he has been treated. And to place her in the position of either giving him the compensation he deserves or losing him.
Megan wants to tell her management that her skills have not been overlooked and they need to promote her into a more rewarding and challenging position.
Guillermo wants to blast his company leadership for not having people leadership skills and allowing a hyper-competitive, toxic environment to develop and not doing anything about it.
Tom, Megan, and Guillermo have all talked about “dreaming” of this conversation. But not acting on it.
Closure comes with risks. When you tell another person how you feel about the way they have treated you, they may give you the closure you are hoping for. They may agree with you, ask you how they can rectify things between you. Instant reset! Or they may not agree with you and point out what they see as your failures. Or they may gaslight you, and tell you everything if fine and aren’t you being a little bit dramatic? They may even tell you it’s time for the two of you to part ways.
Wanting closure is a human need. We are not wired for uncertainty, we don’t like sitting with uncomfortable feelings and loose ends in communication. Wanting closure but also fearing it keeps us stuck in bad relationships of all kinds, including our relationships with our workplace.
Fear of what closure might mean can result in continuing to stay stuck in a love-hate job. By the same token, waiting for that moment of perfect closure – Vindication! Revenge! Validation! – can perpetuate the cycle of frustration and discontent.
Navigating the Path Ahead
Here’s what I tell my clients who feel stuck in love-hate jobs. Start by asking yourself some hard questions:
- What do I love about my job and the people I work with? Get specific with yourself about what keeps you there.
- What do I hate about my job and the people I work with?
- What’s the balance between the two? Assigning numerical values to the items in the love and hate columns can help to make this determination.
- How realistic and reasonable are my expectations? Am I expecting too much from the work itself? My management? My co-workers? Is the love word coming up?
- Is there anything I can do to change what I hate about my job without having to leave it?
- What are my realistic options? Consider job market, age, willingness to take necessary risks and the uncertainty of finding and adjusting to a new job.
- And the big question: Is seeking closure realistic? Are my reasons for seeking closure emotionally healthy?
- What’s best for me? Walking away from closure and finding a way to make peace with my job or taking the risk of seeking closure and potentially walking away from my job?
These are the questions that I often ask my clients when they feel stuck in a love-hate job. Addressing these questions are keys to find a way to becoming unstuck, whether that means staying or leaving.
Love and Work
To be honest, I often feel concerned when a client uses the love word in relation to their job. I love my work. I love my company. I love my co-workers. I love my boss.
Our jobs often touch our love buttons. That is human nature. Receiving money can feel a lot like being loved. But when love enters the picture, our expectations for our jobs are ratcheted up in direct proportion. Is it really love? That endorphin rush we get when love is involved can in turn raise our expectations for what we should be giving and receiving from our jobs.
Sure, it is only human to form connections with the people we work with. And hopefully to enjoy the work we do. Work satisfaction is validating, as are the relationships we form. Humans need validation. And to equate being given interesting work, prestige, or great benefits with love.
Is that love? It can sure feel like it.
When work presses our love button, we risk having expectations that result in questions like: Don’t I deserve more? I’ve given everything here, don’t you care about me? Aren’t I important to you? Don’t I deserve an explanation? Don’t you care about how I feel?
High expectations have consequences. As the expectations around love are ratcheted up, so is the potential for feeling hate when love feels unreturned or undeserved or otherwise thwarted.
This leads to the need for closure. And the cycle continues. That is, until you decide to ask yourself the really hard question: What’s really keeping me here? And is it time to commit to staying or is it time to move on?
The Power of Realistic Expectations
At the end of the day, work is a transaction. You bring your skills to the organization. The organization pays you for your time and skills. Sure, providing a comfortable environment, a salary commensurate with your background and skills, policies that promote teamwork and positive interaction… all help to make the workday go more smoothly, and even with a measure of emotional satisfaction. Organizations benefit greatly when they promote the emotional wellness of their employees. And experience consequences when they don’t.
But this isn’t love. It’s a social contract. For better or worse, that check at the end of each pay period defines the foundation of your relationship. It’s that simple.
Having realistic expectations is a key to satisfaction in life. As well as the key to finding successful closure when things don’t go as expected. Have realistic expectations about your workplace and your job. This is real empowerment!
Dr. Gary McClain is a licensed psychotherapist, counselor, and life coach with over 25 years of experience helping individuals navigate life’s challenges. Specializing in relationship counseling and personal growth, Dr. McClain empowers clients to overcome obstacles, cultivate resilience, and live authentically. His book, THE POWER OF CLOSURE: WHY WE WANT IT, HOW TO GET IT, AND WHEN TO WALK AWAY, was published by TarcherPerigee in July, 2024. He is a sought-after speaker and consultant in the field of mental health and wellness,