Elena and Tony have been friends since high school. They were both involved in the band and a few clubs, their parents were also friends. They developed a very close friendship that has continued into adulthood. Elena lives with her husband and children on one side of the country, Tony has a wife and children and lives on the other coast. They frequently email and text, and occasionally speak. As life challenges come up, they have relied on each other for emotional support. Tony went through an especially difficult time when he was laid off from his job, and Elena was a constant source of support and even made some introductions for him to help him find a new job.
And so imagine Elena’s surprise and disappointment when her mother went through a very difficult illness and, after a few months, passed away. During this time, Elena describes Tony as having essentially “ghosted” her. He was slow to respond to Elena’s text messages and often did not pick up when she called. When she reached him to update him on her mother’s situation, Tony’s expressions of concern did not feel sincere, and he often changed the subject.
Elena is left with a perception of incompleteness in her relationship with Tony. She is sad that he would not give her much emotional support, especially since Tony knew her mother growing up. She is disappointed that he wasn’t the good friend she thought he was. And she’s angry that she had to go through this difficult time without the support of her close childhood friend.
Elena feels she gave a lot to the friendship and deserves an opportunity to express how she feels about receiving the same level of support that she had so freely given. She wants Tony to know that she needed his support and didn’t receive it, after all, she has tried to do for him over the years. She wants him to acknowledge that he caused her additional pain for not doing his part in the relationship, for not giving Elena the support she deserved. Elena wants another form of closure, one that we discussed previously. She wants an apology. Elena also wants a commitment from Tony that he will be a better friend in the future, and what he will do to make sure that happens. Elena is being honest with herself here. She also wants to hear from Tony that he still loves her and values their friendship.
Elena and Tony’s story illustrates the emotional loose ends that motivate us to seek closure. We ache. We feel wounded. We feel wronged, misused, cheated. We want closure so that we can feel better again.
If Elena later experiences another crisis, a problem with her child, for example, or her marriage, she might again reach out to Tony for support. After all, they had a great conversation about how Tony treated her during her time of need with her mother’s illness, and their communication has been going well since then. However, Elena might yet again discover that Tony just can’t be there for her during hard times. She might experience the same feelings as she did when her mother was ill. This might lead her to confront Tony again about his lack of support for her when she has always been there for him. They could have essentially the same conversation, with the same promises for the future.
This is a cycle. Is the second or third round the charm, with Tony finally realizing what he needs to do to step up to the plate and be a real friend? Maybe. Is Elena willing to risk it? Maybe. Maybe not. People are who they are, and Elena might decide to accept what she can expect from Tony and what she can’t. It has been my experience that in situations of inequity in a relationship, it’s important to be honest with yourself about what it means to have realistic expectations.