We often think of deep emotional pain in terms of a loss through death. So that is my first example. Jorge lost the person that he would call his best friend forever. His name was Damian. They were living like many 20-somethings, sharing an apartment, inviting friends over, introducing each other to potential dates. One weekend, Damian got in his car to drive to his parents’ home for the weekend. On the way, his car was hit by a drunk driver and he was killed instantly. To say that Jorge was emotionally destroyed by Damian’s death doesn’t begin to describe how he felt. He was a wreck.
In our conversations, Jorge talked about what a good friend Damian had been to him. He realized how much he depended on Damian, they had fun together, they provided emotional support and stability to each other in the way that friends can become family members. Jorge asked me two questions repeatedly: “Why did this happen to Damian?” along with “Why did this happen to me?” Of course, Jorge knew there was no answer to this question. We talked about the uncertainty of life. We talked about his spiritual beliefs. He shared memories of his favorite times with Damian. He continued to suffer. The grief process is unique to each person who experiences it. Jorge was suffering greatly.
During our conversations, Jorge talked about how much he wanted this pain to go away. He questioned whether he would ever have some kind of a sense of closure, and if that was even possible. Jorge talked about what kind of closure might actually be helpful for him in coping with his pain. He decided that revenge on the drunk driver would ultimately be an empty victory, and wouldn’t bring Damian back to him. An explanation of why the accident happened? He didn’t think information would help to heal his broken heart, and what could possibly explain a tragedy like this anyway? Would acceptance of Damian’s death provide closure? Jorge was not far enough along in his grief process to consider acceptance. Living his own life in a way that would honor the legacy of his friend? Maybe, but not yet.
What did help Jorge to consider the potential for some closure was reassurance that time doesn’t actually heal all wounds. But we learn to walk with our wounds, to make space for our pain, to protect the tender spot left behind as we enter a new chapter in life. For Jorge, the next chapter would be the first chapter without his friend Jorge.
Have you ever lost someone that was so close to you that you wondered if you would ever recover? Have you felt so emotionally devastated that you wanted to curse the universe and beat a pillow and scream until your neighbors threatened to call the police? And if someone had asked you what you needed to feel closure, would you have questioned whether this was even possible while also begging the universe, or your Higher Power (when you weren’t cursing it), to give you some kind of closure to take the pain away?