Steps Toward Finding Your Own Ending
While recovering from a breakup often leads to a need for closure, it has been my experience that we need to find closure with ourselves before we can find it with another person.
I am all about helping my clients to become more self-aware. I think this self-awareness is especially important when considering how to find closure after a breakup. Self-awareness can help you to avoid further pain by approaching closure in an emotionally-healthy – not a harmful or disempowering – manner.
Here are the steps forward in finding closure.
What is my intention?
Honest and open conversations begin with a clear intention. When you seek closure with your ex, what is your intention? Do you want them to understand how you feel about their decision to break up with you? Or to understand why you chose to end the relationship? Forgiveness on their part or yours? Do you want them to feel the same pain you are feeling? This leads to a larger question: Are your intentions coming from your best self?
What does closure look like for me?
If you are seeking closure with your ex, you most likely also have an image of what closure will look like. Are you hoping you will have a calm, honest, heartfelt conversation, maybe with some anger, some tears? Are you expecting that you will give each other a hug, and walk away in peace? Or do you have a very different image in mind, one that includes revenge and inflicting pain? The big questions: Are my expectations realistic? And will the closure I am envisioning ultimately leave me with peace or regret?
Am I willing to both talk and listen?
Conversations include talking and listening. Often, my clients will tell me what they want to express to their ex but are not willing to listen to what their ex has to say in return. They may feel they have heard enough already, or don’t want to feel any more pain than what they are already experiencing. Can you listen with an open mind?
Can this person give me the closure I want?
You know your ex. This breakup you just experienced with them may have taught you even more about them. So ask yourself: Can this person give me the closure I want? Is this a person who will listen with an open mind, attempt to understand your feelings, and share theirs in return? Are you confident you can find closure with them? Or do you have a very different expectation. Will your ex refuse to listen and instead ridicule you, deny any culpability, make the breakup your problem?
Can I be okay with any outcome?
This is the big question. Given your intentions, your expectations, and what you know abou your ex, what are the chances that you will find the closure you are hoping for? And if, not, are you okay with any potential outcome? My point here is that seeking closure with an ex can lead to peace of mind and a way forward. However, seeking closure can also be a way of setting yourself for further emotional abuse. If you are so intent on speaking your mind that you don’t care how your ex responds, then getting your words out may be your closure, regardless of their response. But if you suspect you may find yourself feeling worse, then this may not be the best direction.
Closure Can Be the End, But It Can Also Be a Reset.
Couples often come to a juncture in their relationship in which they need to work out some communications or other challenges. When one person feels misunderstood or taken advantage of. Or when in conflict over finances. Or lack of equity in household and childrearing tasks. Or any number of potential issues that can arise. Seeking closure can mean coming to an understanding and agreeing on a path forward. Again, keep your expectations realistic.
And the Practical Side: Find a Neutral Place for your Closure Conversation
If you and your ex decide to have what might be that last conversation, be thoughtful about where you decide to meet. If you expect that things could become emotion, with sadness or anger, you may not want to meet in a restaurant. On the other hand, meeting at your home or your partner’s home can also be complicated if one of you feels you are in the other person’s territory, of if you might feel haunted by memories of better times. Depending on the weather, a park bench can be a good place for this conversation, or another place where you can speak privately.
I know we do a lot of communication through technology but I encourage you to not have this conversation via email or text. Bring your whole self to this conversation, experience each other fully, and not through a series of text messages that can so easily be misinterpreted in tonality and meaning.
Closure can be a very sensitive and emotional topic. Do the best you can to prepare as well as to treat yourself and the other person with compassion.