Let me tell you about Amelia. She is a producer for a major TV network, working on the news side. Her job involves managing lots and lots of details, many are planned and handled ahead of time, others have to handled as they occur. It goes without saying that she feels like a ringmaster in a three ring circus, often surrounded by lions and tigers who are always looking for an opening to pounce on her. She loves her work, but can often feel overwhelmed by the stress involved. She often feels like she is one error away from damage to her reputation if not loss of her job.
Last week, one of those dreaded moments occurred. A detail slipped through the cracks during a busy day, resulting in a missed opportunity for one of the on-air reporters to interview an important politician. This was a big loss for the show she works on. And all eyes were on her as the person who let the ball drop.
Amelia has felt terrible since this happened. She hasn’t slept well for a week. She feels exposed, ashamed, sad. Angry at herself. She’s worried this error will never be forgotten or forgiven, that it will damage her reputation. Wishful thinking, she wishes this error had never happened. She wishes she could make this go away. She prides herself on being in control at all times. Now, she feels helpless to fix the damage she caused to her show and to herself.
Her mentor advised her to hold her head up and get back to work. Amelia can’t do that. Instead, she has asked for a meeting with the senior producer to talk do a blow-by-blow of what was going on that day, the events leading up to the error. Amelia wants to uncover a missing detail that will explain why this happened, that will make it clear that the circumstances were not normal. She wants to be absolved, or at least for it to be clear that anyone in her position would be error-prone.
Amelia wants closure to make those helpless feelings go away. She wants her senior producer to give her the closure she needs.
Have you felt so helpless that you needed closure that would somehow make those helpless feeling go away? To be absolved of guilt, or help you feel less exposed, like Amelia? Or closure that would help you to feel even just a little less sad, so that you wouldn’t feel like your sadness was going to engulf you in darkness forever? Or closure that might help you to cope with feeling so angry at the world that you just want to hit and kick and scream until you collapse, but know you will still be angry?
Helplessness makes us feel trapped. Closure can feel like a way out of the trap.
Are you seeing a theme emerging here? The theme is control. When we experience lack of control in a situation, we feel helpless. When we feel helpless, we want to gain control. The more helpless we feel, or fear we will fear, the stronger the resulting need for closure.
I have had this conversation often, from both sides. I have had clients that needed closure so badly they were unrelentingly demanding, even obsessed. And I have had clients from whom closure was being demanded, resulting in annoyance, frustration, or even fear.