At a recent family get-together, my older brother made fun of me about my weight. It reminded me of how he behaved when we were children and, even though we are in our forties, this brought up a lot of bad memories. I need to get closure with him. But I don’t want to end our relationship.
It has always fascinated me how our family dynamics as children have a way of continuing into adulthood. I hear about this so often with clients, and I have experienced this myself. Family dynamics are hardwired, and we often find ourselves acting out our family scripts well into adulthood. As frustrating as this can me.
It sounds like this is what you experienced. First, let me reassure you that you are not alone in this experience.
I was hopeful when I read your question. It sounds like you want to clear this up with your brother before it turns into a grudge, and that you want to clear the air without alienating him.
So let me start here. Finding closure with someone doesn’t mean closing the door to further contact. It can also mean leaving hurtful behaviors behind and hoping the door to a more healthy relationship. I get the feeling this is what you are looking for.
If this is your intention, I would hold this in your mind and in your heart: clear the air, move forward.
I suggest getting in touch with your brother and setting up a time to meet in person. If he doesn’t live close by, then set up a videocall. Try to see each other faces.
Use I statements when you speak about you felt. “When we were together, I felt ______ when you said _______.” Don’t accuse, focus on your reactions to what he said. Keep it focused on what happened at the get-together, avoid rehashing your childhood relationship.
Ask him to listen to what you need to say. And offer to hear what he needs to say to you.
Now, your brother may remember what he said. Or he may have a different interpretation. Or he may just plain deny having said anything hurtful. He may even tell you this is your problem.
You know your brother, so be prepared for any potential outcome.
Hopefully, your brother can own what he said. Ideally, he might apologize. But he may not.
Let your brother know you want to have a good relationship. You may also need to let him know that you expect to be treated with the same kindness and respect that you attempt to show him.
Ask him how you can be kind and loving toward each other moving forward. See if the two of you can find some common ground.
Getting closure on this may help you and your brother to have a much more kind and supportive relationship moving forward.
However, if he continues to deny having hurt you, this is a time to accept that people are who they are. You tried to find closure. When you can’t find it, walk away.
You don’t have to walk away from your brother. Be ready to let him know in the future when he is being unkind, set limits with him, don’t set yourself up to feel more hurt.