I had a very close group of friends in college, and we have stayed closely in touch. One of my friends, Juan, recently died in a car accident. We are devastated. To help us find closure, we approached his parents to see if they would get together with us to share memories about our beloved Juan. They declined without a reason. We are so disappointed. What can we do?
It is so hard to lose a loved one. Grief is a painful process. The dull ache, the moments when you feel like you can’t move your are so sad. Grief is a process that is unique to each person, but those experiencing grief hope for some kind of closure to help alleviate the intense pain.
So I understand why you were hoping that your friend circle and Juan’s parents could all unite to not only share memories but I suspect also to help each other cope with this tragic loss that you all share. And what a great way to find closure by bonding together as the people closest to Juan.
I am sorry to hear his parents would not meet with you. We of course don’t know what was going on in their minds, we can only guess. But I am wondering if they were thinking that being with you all, as his peers and his close friends, might make the loss of Juan feel even more painful. Your presence might have been a reminder to them of the intensity of their loss, seeing all of you together without him. They might have feared how they might react to seeing the empty chair in your get-together, the chair that should have been occupied by their son.
I hope you won’t take this personally and assume they don’t want to see you or care how you feel. Most likely, they are so overwhelmed by grief that they just need to close out the world, at least for the time being.
While this is a disappointment, you can support each other as Juan’s friend group. Get together, share memories. Talk about how to carry Juan’s legacy forward in your own lives. Support each other. And you may also want to let Juan’s parents know that you are here for them, if they feel up to getting together in the future. Keep the door open.
And also keep in mind that finding closure, as you attempted with Juan’s parents, can provide some peace of mind. But it doesn’t take away the pain, the sense of great loss, that you are feeling. The way to get through the grief process is to talk about your loss, feel your emotions, get lots of support. Be there for each other.