A Question About Finding Closure with A Sibling
“My sister took it upon herself to plan our annual family holiday dinner. She recently became a vegan and chose a vegan restaurant as the venue. Had she asked me, I would have told her that I don’t like vegan food and suggested we find a compromise. I need some kind of closure with her because she has been doing this since we were kids and I can’t just pretend this is okay.”
Answer from Dr. Gary
It’s always especially disappointing when family members make unilateral decisions in event planning. It leaves us feeling disrespected, as if our needs and preferences don’t matter. You also mentioned that you and your sister have a history of this kind of treatment.
So first, if you decide to have a conversation with your sister about finding closure, I encourage you to focus on this event, and not approach with with a discussion of all the ways she has given no consideration to your needs in the past. Why? Because this is a conversation that can easily go off the rails, and turn into a rehash of past grievances that can stir up more resentments and anger and go to a dark place.
I would recommend starting by stating what you experienced: A plan for the family holiday dinner made without your input. Avoid accusing her, just state what you experienced. And then follow this with how you feel as a result. Hopefully, she will own what she did and apologize, and even promise to do better in the future. But you know your sister. Is this a likely outcome? Or is it possible this may be turned against you in some way, leaving you feeling more disrespected and resentful?
We can seek closure as a way to resolve a current situation. Seeking closure for past injustices in a family relationship is not impossible, and can even be very healing, but it may not be where you want to go based on a holiday dinner venue. So this might be an opportunity to sit down with her, let her know that you were surprised she had made this decision without consulting you, and how you felt as a result. Along with asking her to work with you in the future to make family holiday plans. That is of course the ideal closure. If you otherwise have a good relationship with your sister and are concerned she might become defensive and argumentative, and don’t want to risk the fallout, you might want to consider rolling your eyes, saying here she goes again, and preparing yourself and your family for a healthy vegan meal.