I spend a lot of time talking with clients about closure. Most likely, that word has come up for you, too.
Of course, when we think of closure, we talk about life events, such as a parent learning their child has a bleeding disorder and suddenly confused about the future and wanting answers to the “why us” questions, someone suddenly losing their job and not having answers on what caused his layoff, or parents learning their trusted physician is leaving the practice and not having a chance to say goodbye and ask for her contact information. A breakup. A family misunderstanding. A death. But I also think about closure in the daily encounters with other people, like forgetting to say thank you when someone has done an act of kindness, or feeling ignored or snapped at and sitting with angry feelings, and feeling guilty or frustrated over that loose end that you want to tie up.
What is closure? I think of closure in this way. As humans, we don’t like these loose ends that are often left dangling in our minds. Like during times of loss and grief, and when we experience other breakdowns in communication. We want to understand, to know why, and to feel understood. We want to get things back to an even playing field (or to get even).
Can’t I Get Some Closure?
As I talk with my clients about their losses and disappointments in life, they often talk with my about wanting some kind of closure. They describe closure in the form of finally saying what they need to say, knowing what they need to know, being fed up enough to walk, being treated the way they deserve. Finally.
It is really hard to sit with communication that feels incomplete. Especially when deep emotional pain results. The pain can feel overwhelming, accompanied by feelings like disappointment, anger, fear, shame, resentment, and other emotions. And so it is only human to ask yourself: Can finding closure make the feelings go away?
The best way to achieve closure can be summarized as process that begins with sitting down with yourself, followed by having a conversation. Here are the steps:
Define for yourself what closure means. Closure is a relatively general term. Are you looking for an explanation of what happened? An answer to why life has suddenly dropped this bomb on you or a loved one? An answer to why the other person made the decision they made? Are you looking to receive an apology or to apologize? Do you just want to hear that you were important to that person and that you will be missed? Reassurance that life will indeed get better? Taking the time to sit down with yourself and define exactly what closure means in this situation will help you to come to terms with why you are feeling such difficult emotions.
Consider if closure is realistic the way you have defined it. People can only do what they can do. Everybody has limitations. Life happens around us, and to us, and we may never have answers to the question of why. Sometimes we make decisions that we can’t explain, as do other people. The person we want closure from may be constrained by rules and guidelines, like in the workplace. Or professional boundaries may guide what is appropriate or allowable.
Weigh the risks of further exposure to the situation or the person. Are you sure your closure meeting might make you feel worse instead of better? And lead to more feelings of unfinished business and lack of closure? Don’t let this turn into an endless cycle leading nowhere, risking further unhappiness for yourself. Demanding answers to unanswerable questions leaves you stuck, when you could be putting all of that energy into controlling what you can control. Beware of setting yourself up for disempowerment.
When you feel ready, reach out to the person you want to find closure with. Reach out and suggest a neutral place where the two of you can meet. Be clear about what you want to talk about. Be clear about your hope for closure. They may say yes, they may say no.
Be ready to talk. And to listen. Keep in mind that if you seek closure with another person, this needs to be a two-way conversation. Talk about what happened from your perspective and how you are feeling as a result. And give the other person an opportunity to talk about what they experienced, even if you may not want to hear what they have to say.
The Downside of Closure
The closure we experience in real life may not look at all like the closure we see in the movies. Why? Well, because people are human and they don’t aways think, feel, or behave the way we would like them to.
Closure comes with risks. When you tell another person how you feel about the way they have treated you, they may give you the closure you are hoping for. They may agree with you, ask you how they can rectify things between you. Instant reset! Or they may not agree with you and point out what they see as your failures. Or they may gaslight you, and tell you everything if fine and aren’t you being a little bit dramatic? They may even tell you it’s time for the two of you to part ways. They may all just refuse to talk.
Let’s face it. People can just be plain old unpredictable and limited. Whether we like it or not. And they may avoid a conversation that may be uncomfortable for them. If you’re expecting something from someone that they can’t or won’t deliver, then you are, like my mom used to say, trying to get blood out of a turnip. It’s a lose-lose, and you’re only hurting yourself.
Move Forward With Power!
You don’t have to stay stuck while you wait to find closure. Here’s how to get moving forward:
Embrace gratitude. Be grateful that you are a multi-faceted human being, resilient and resourceful. Remind yourself of this every day, multiple times a day if you need to. Stay grateful for all the good things in your life. Make a list if you need to. Review it often.
Choose to move on. When I have a client stuck in their demands for closure, in a very kind way, I say something to the effect of, “Do you think you might be kind of having a temper tantrum right now?” A question, not a judgment. We can’t change the random and mysterious way that life works, including changes in our health status. Again, we can’t change how another person chooses to think, feel, or behave. Trying to do otherwise only leads to frustration, sadness, anger, and disappointment.
In a perfect world, we would all have the closure we need. Answers to the why question. Understanding. Forgiveness. But the world sure isn’t perfect.
You have a choice. Choose to accept life on life’s terms. Focus on doing the best you can for yourself and the people you love.
Here’s the bottom line on closure. Sometimes the only closure is to accept that there is no closure. Move on with your life. Eyes forward. Head held high. That’s empowerment!
Gary McClain, PhD, is a therapist, patient advocate, and educator, specializing in helping clients deal with the emotional impact of chronic and life-threatening health conditions, as well as their families and professional caregivers. He works with them to understand and cope with their emotions, to learn about their lifestyle and treatment options, to maintain compliance with medical regimens, to communicate effectively with each other and healthcare professionals, and to listen to their own inner voice as they make decisions about the future. His book, The Power of Closure: Why We Need It, How to Get It, and When to Walk Away, was published by TarcherPerigee in 2024. His website is: JustGotDiagnosed.com.