Have you felt that need for closure eating away at you lately? Can’t quite let it go until it has all been sliced, diced, and lined up in a neat row? You’re in good company. However… while wanting closure is only human, it can also be detrimental to your emotional wellness. Digging in your heels and demanding closure from another person can cause you to spend a lot of time ruminating, reliving one scene after another, rehashing what you or the other person said, rehearsing what you would like to say to them, re-experiencing all the emotions… Stuck.
Not going to rest until you get closure? Here’s help:
Define for yourself what closure means.
Closure is a relatively general term. Are you looking for an explanation of what happened? An answer to why the other person made the decision they made? Are you looking for an opportunity to apologize for what you may have done or to receive an apology? Do you just want to hear that you were important to that person and that you will be missed? Taking the time to sit down with yourself and define exactly what closure means in this situation will help you come to terms with why you are feeling such difficult emotions. It may also be the first installment of purchasing your ticket to freedom. We’ll get to that.
Nobody likes that nagging feeling you have when you are sitting with unfinished business. However, if you took the time to define what closure with that person would mean, you also gained some insight into yourself and a clue as to why you’re feeling so much in need of closure.
Consider if closure is realistic for the other person in the way you have defined it.
People can only do what they can do. Everybody has limitations. Sometimes we make decisions that we can’t explain, this happens in love. Or we are constrained by rules and guidelines, like in the workplace. Or professional boundaries may guide what is appropriate or not. And let’s face it. People can just be plain old limited, whether we like it or not, and avoid a conversation that may be uncomfortable for them. If you’re expecting something from someone that they can’t or won’t deliver, then you are, like my mom used to say, trying to get blood out of a turnip. It’s a lose-lose, and you’re only hurting yourself.
Weigh the risks of further exposure to the situation or the person.
Sitting down with the person you want closure from may not be the best thing for you. While on one hand, they might give you the detailed explanation you are hoping for, as well as listen to your side, and maybe even apologize. But they may not. Instead, you might be exposed to a litany of your shortcomings, what you did wrong, how you weren’t good enough, or otherwise be told why further contact is impossible. Potentially without a willingness to allow you to respond. So a question: Are you sure your closure meeting might make you feel worse instead of better? And lead to more feelings of unfinished business and lack of closure? Don’t let this turn into an endless cycle leading nowhere. And the risk to you? Further misery. No forward movement in your life. Disempowerment.